Falcons set to fly?

Wednesday 1 April 2015

North East club propose new addition to kits to Premiership Rugby

Newcastle Falcons today confirmed that they have applied to Premiership Rugby for permission to get a cape added to all players shirts for next season. In yet another ground-breaking first for the club (after the hot tub and two pint drinks) the cape would be sown to the back of the shirt matching the colour of the respective home or away kit.

The cape, which has a lovely silk finish with silver piping, will give a number of playing advantages as well as ensuring the team are the most stylish and ‘dapper’ team in the Premiership.

Speaking about the latest innovation Head of Additional Kit Accessories Piral Lofo said

“Everyone knows that its always windy at Kingston Park. We sat down and wondered how we can harness the elements to our advantage during games. We have come up with the cape which when held at a certain angle can catch the wind and make our players go a lot faster. In testing yesterday some of the wingers hit 60 miles per hour which is a fair old speed. We do still have to work on steering and stopping and we will have to build in a safety system. During one strong gust yesterday we actually lost the entire front row over the top of the South Stand and they ended up in a number of local front gardens

The cape also comes with other benefits. Players can keep warm by wrapping it around them when the ball is over the other side of the field and the built in hood keeps rain out of their eyes. In defence the cape can be detached and thrown over opposition players to disorientate them which also means the ball doesn’t get recycled quickly ensuring we have time to get the line set. There’s also additional space now for sponsors particularly those companies with a really long name that don’t fully fit on a normal shirt. We’ve already opened negotiations with the Supercalifragilisticexpealidotious Re-conditioned Washing Machine & Tumble Dry Hire Company.”

The club were set to request adding top hats to the capes but have shelved those plans.

Piral Lofo further explained:

“Whilst it would have been entertaining for the outside backs to periodically pull rabbits from them during the game and entertain the kids in the crowd it made scrummaging virtually impossible. The only way it could happen was to get the collapsible top hats but they were too expensive and an extravagance we could live without”

The club are currently awaiting feedback from the game’s Governing Body.

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